Grief After Losing a Pet: Why There’s No Timeline

Losing a pet can hurt in ways people don’t expect. The sadness may run deeper than you thought it would, and it may last longer than the people around you seem to expect. Many families also find that grief shows up in places they never saw coming, like the quiet of the house or the moment they reach for the food bowl at dinnertime.

If you’re wondering how long this will last, the honest answer is that there’s no set timeline. For most people, grief slowly softens, but it tends to come and go in waves rather than fading in a straight line.

This article looks at why that is, why losing a pet can hurt so much, and why the world doesn’t always seem to understand. It also covers getting another pet, how friends and family can help, and when it may be time to reach out for more support. We’re a veterinary practice, not grief counselors, so we lean on research for what’s known about grief. What we can add is what we’ve seen in the more than 5,000 families we’ve helped say goodbye.

We’ll start with the question most people come here with: how long.

There is no time frame on grief. You have to allow yourself to grieve at a pace that feels right to you, and it’s okay if it takes longer for you than it does for a friend of yours.

Research bears this out. In a study of people whose dog or cat had died, about one in five still had signs of grief a full year later, and how long it lasted went hand in hand with how attached they had been to their pet¹. The calendar matters less than the bond.

You may have heard of the five stages of grief. Researchers have found that most people don’t move through grief in neat stages, and that expecting to can leave people feeling they’re doing it wrong². There’s no wrong way to grieve a pet you loved.

What most people do find is that grief doesn’t fade in a straight line. It comes and goes.

One of the best descriptions of this we’ve come across was written about losing people, but it fits losing a pet just as well. In 2011, a Reddit user named GSnow answered a stranger’s post, “My friend just died. I don’t know what to do,” with what has become one of the internet’s most shared descriptions of grief: “As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves.”

He compared it to surviving a shipwreck. At first, the waves are enormous, and they crash over you one after another with barely time to breathe. With time they’re still big, but they come further apart, and in between you can breathe and get on with your life. Some you can see coming, like an anniversary. Others come out of nowhere.

Families tell us the same thing. A wave might come when you pick up your pet’s ashes and bring them home, sometimes just as you’d started to feel steadier. It might come when you find fur on a sweater, a toy under the couch, or a half-used bag of food or medication. And it often comes with the firsts: the first holiday, their birthday, the anniversary, the first vacation without them. Researchers have found that anniversaries and birthdays bring grief back for many people³, so if a date catches you off guard, you’re far from alone.

A wave doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. Grief researchers describe healthy grieving as moving back and forth, spending some time with the loss and some time away from it, getting on with daily life⁴. A good day isn’t forgetting them, and a hard day after a few good ones isn’t a step backward.

Some of the hardest waves come from the house itself.

Grief after the loss of a pet shows up in a lot of ways, some of which you don’t expect. It’s not just the fact that they are no longer physically with you that is so hard. It’s the entire disruption of what was normal and routine.

The walks you would take with them are now walks you may take by yourself, or not at all. The food bowl that needed filling every day now sits empty. The spot on the couch that was always warm is just a cushion now. The click of nails on the floor, the jingle of a collar, the particular way they met you at the door… the house has gone quiet in all the places they used to fill.

That is the part of the grieving process that can catch you off guard. Your home looks the same as it always did, but it doesn’t feel the same. So much of your daily rhythm was built around them that, without it, you can feel oddly out of place in your own life, like a stranger in a world that used to be familiar.

So be gentle with yourself while you find your footing again. There’s no timeline for this, and no right way to do it. The empty moments will soften, slowly, and there will come a day when the quiet morning or the solo walk feels less like an absence and more like a place where their memory keeps you company. Until then, let yourself grieve the small things as much as the big ones. They mattered. And so did all the love behind them.

Part of what makes all of this harder is that the people around you may not see how big the loss is.

Society is quick to diminish grief over a pet. People say things like “It was just a dog,” or “Why are you still upset?” There’s a saying that nobody brings a casserole when a pet dies, and for many families, that’s exactly how it feels. Grief researchers have a name for this: disenfranchised grief, meaning grief that isn’t openly acknowledged or supported by the people around you⁵.

But the bond you had was real, and so is the grief. In a study comparing people who had lost a pet with people who had lost a person, how close they had been was by far the biggest factor in how hard they grieved⁶. For many of us, a pet is one of the closest relationships we have, and the grief can be just as strong and just as intense as losing a person.

What we see just as often is owners saying it to themselves. They’re shocked that they’re still this sad “over just a cat,” and they feel embarrassed for grieving so hard. If you’ve caught yourself thinking that, please go easy on yourself. In a review of studies of people who had lost a pet, grief that dragged on went hand in hand with people telling themselves they shouldn’t be grieving⁷.

It is okay to grieve the loss of your pet, and it is okay that the grief takes time. We say this in a short video, “It is OK to grieve the loss of your pet!”, in our video library, because it’s something families need to hear.

Sometimes the hurt comes from people who are trying to help.

A friend of ours put his cat down and went back to work the next day. That day, a coworker started sending him pictures of cats up for adoption at the local humane society, about ten of them, and most of them looked like the cat he had just lost. When he told us about it a few weeks later, you could tell it hurt.

The coworker meant well. They were trying to help, and maybe didn’t have the right tools to help in a way that was meaningful. We don’t talk about death enough as a society, and that’s especially true with pets. So comments like “When are you getting a new cat?” often come from people who care about you but don’t know what to say.

Research on grieving people has found the same thing. Advice and encouragement to move on were among the things people found least helpful, while the chance to talk about the one they’d lost was among the most helpful⁸. If a well-meant comment stung, that’s understandable. Look for the people who will simply listen.

That question about a new pet deserves its own answer.

When to get another pet is entirely up to you. There’s no rule. Some families bring home a new dog or cat within weeks, and that’s okay. Others wait a long time, and some decide not to have another pet at all. What matters is that it’s your choice, made when you’re ready, and not because someone else is pushing you.

Researchers who interviewed older women after the death of a long-time pet found exactly this. Some adopted or fostered again and others chose not to, and the researchers cautioned against assuming a new pet is what a grieving person wants⁹.

If you’re the friend or family member in this story, here’s what helps.

If someone you care about has lost a pet, the most helpful thing is often the simplest: reach out. Instead of “Why aren’t you over it yet?”, try “Is there anything I can do?” or “Is there anything I can bring you?” And then listen. Being able to talk about their loss is one of the things grieving people say helps most⁸.

Things to consider:

• Let them talk – Ask about their pet, and let them tell you stories, even ones you’ve heard before.
• Let them set the pace – Don’t push them to feel better, or to get another pet, on anyone’s timeline but their own.
• Remember the hard days – A message on the anniversary, or around the holidays, tells them you haven’t forgotten.

Nobody brings a casserole when a pet dies. You can be the one who does.

For most people, grief slowly softens with time and the support of people like you. For some, it doesn’t, and that’s when it’s worth reaching out for more help.

For some people, grief after a pet becomes what’s called prolonged grief, where it stays intense and gets in the way of daily life for a long time¹⁰. It isn’t the most common path, but it’s real, and you don’t have to carry it alone.

Please talk to someone if, months after your pet has died, you’re struggling to get through your days, or the grief is getting heavier instead of coming and going. You don’t have to wait that long, either. A counselor or therapist can help at any point, and so can the free pet loss support lines run by veterinary schools and veterinary associations.

Pet loss support lines:

• Tufts Pet Loss Support Helpline – (508) 839-7966, Monday through Thursday, 6 to 9 pm Eastern. You can leave a voicemail anytime, and they’ll call you back.
• Cornell Pet Loss Support Hotline – (607) 218-7457, answered by trained veterinary student volunteers. Hours vary through the year.
• Chicago VMA Pet-Loss Helpline – (630) 325-1600. Leave a message and a volunteer will call you back.

If you’re in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time.

You’ll find more support, including books for adults and children, on our pet loss grief resources page.

And you can always talk to us.

You can call or text us anytime, whether it’s the next day or months later, just to talk about your pet. That’s true even if we weren’t the ones who helped with your pet’s goodbye. Most of what we do for grieving families is simple. We listen, and we remind them that what they’re feeling is normal.

If guilt or relief is part of what you’re feeling, our article on guilt and relief after saying goodbye may help. And if you’re still deciding what to do with your pet’s ashes or how to remember them, our guide to aftercare and memorial options walks through the choices.

Grief after losing a pet doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It comes in waves, it shows up in the quiet places, and it lasts as long as it lasts.

It’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay that it takes time. It’s okay if it’s hard. With all the love that was there, it’s supposed to be.

→ Guilt and Relief After Saying Goodbye to Your Pet
Why guilt and relief are so common after a goodbye, and why neither one means you did something wrong.

→ Aftercare Options Explained
Understanding cremation, burial, memorial options, and making decisions that honor your pet.

→ Talking to Children About Pet Death: An Age-by-Age Guide
Age-appropriate approaches to help kids understand, grieve, and say goodbye.

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