When Family Members Disagree About Euthanasia

Disagreements about euthanasia timing are one of the most painful aspects of this already difficult decision. One person sees suffering that needs to end. Another sees a pet who still has quality time left. And suddenly, in addition to grieving your pet, you’re navigating family conflict at the worst possible time.

These disagreements happen in many families, and they happen for understandable reasons. Different people see your pet at different times of day, in different contexts, with different levels of responsibility for their care. They have different experiences with pet loss, different comfort levels with making this decision, and different ways of processing grief.

This article explores why family members often see things differently, the two most common disagreement patterns we encounter, and approaches that can help families reach resolution while keeping the focus on what matters most—your pet’s wellbeing.

Important note: This isn’t about determining who’s “right.” It’s about helping families communicate and reach a decision that honors their pet.

The most common reason for disagreement isn’t stubbornness or denial—it’s that different family members are genuinely seeing different versions of your pet’s reality.

Consider this scenario:

A dog has dementia. One spouse works the night shift and sees the dog in the morning—relatively calm, eating breakfast, greeting them when they come home, seeming okay. The other spouse is home in the evening and witnesses the sundowning: confusion, pacing, anxiety, sometimes distress or disorientation as the sun sets and through the night.

Both spouses are telling the truth about what they observe. But they’re observing at completely different times and drawing completely different conclusions about the dog’s quality of life. One genuinely sees a pet who’s “not that bad.” The other sees significant suffering.

Other common information gaps include:

• The primary caregiver who handles daily care sees the struggle with medications, the accidents, the difficulty getting up, the loss of appetite. Family members who don’t handle these tasks see the pet excited when they come home from work or school—but miss the twenty-three hours of the day when things are harder.
• Someone who works long hours sees brief moments of their pet at their best—excited for their arrival, engaged for a short play session. They don’t see the hours of lethargy or discomfort that fill the rest of the day.
• Adult children visiting from college or living on their own see snapshots during visits. They remember how the pet used to be and see moments that seem “normal,” but they miss the gradual, day-to-day decline that the people who live with the pet witness constantly.

Someone experiencing their first pet loss—especially losing a childhood pet who has been there their entire life—approaches the decision differently than someone who has navigated this before. They may not recognize the signs of significant decline because they have no reference point for what the end of life looks like.

Even when everyone has access to the same information, people process grief at different speeds. One person may reach a point of readiness to let go while another needs more time to emotionally prepare. Neither is wrong—they’re just in different places in their grieving process.

This may be the most emotionally charged disagreement because for many older children or young adults, this is their first experience with the death of someone they love—and it’s often the childhood pet who was there through everything. First day of school, difficult teenage years, breakups, graduations, coming home from college. This pet has been a constant in their life.

The parent, as primary caregiver, often sees the daily decline clearly and recognizes when suffering outweighs quality of life. The adult child, who may not live at home anymore or doesn’t handle daily care, sees a pet who still gets excited when they visit, still eats treats, still seems like “their dog.”

What can help:

For parents: Remember this may be their first experience with profound loss. Involve them in quality of life assessments if age-appropriate. Walk them through what you’re observing day-to-day rather than simply announcing a decision. Give them resources for understanding and processing pet grief.

For adult children: Recognize that your parents, who care for this pet daily, have information you don’t have access to during visits. Ask specific questions about what they’re seeing in the hours and days you’re not there, rather than relying only on your limited observations.

Document what you’re seeing: Photos, videos, or written notes about daily observations can help bridge the information gap. If one spouse witnesses nighttime restlessness, morning struggles, or afternoon decline, documenting these patterns helps the other spouse understand what’s happening when they’re not there.

Complete quality of life assessments together: Using a structured assessment (like our Quality of Life Questionnaire or Hospet app) creates a shared framework. Complete it independently, then compare your scores and observations. Often you’ll find areas of agreement and specific areas of disagreement that can be discussed concretely rather than emotionally.

Articulate your perspective clearly: Instead of “You’re wrong” or “You don’t understand,” try “Can I walk you through what I’m seeing during the day?” or “Help me understand what you’re observing that makes you feel it’s not time yet.”

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Rather than arguing about the conclusion, help each other articulate the reasoning behind different perspectives.

Questions that facilitate productive conversation:

• “What are you seeing that makes you feel it’s not time yet?”
• “Can you walk me through what a typical day looks like from your perspective?”
• “What would need to be different for you to feel ready?”
• “What concerns you most about moving forward now?”
• “If we wait, what are we waiting for? What would need to change?”

These questions help people articulate their actual beliefs and observations rather than just defending a position. Often the conversation becomes much more productive when you understand not just what someone thinks, but why they think it.

Use Quality of Life Assessments Together

Complete the same assessment independently, then sit down together and compare your observations. This often reveals that the disagreement is narrower than it initially seemed, or it identifies specific areas where one person has information the other lacks.

Resources we provide:

• Quality of Life Questionnaire
• Hospet app for daily tracking

Consider Veterinary Assessment

A Quality of Life Consultation can provide an objective veterinary assessment of your pet’s current condition—professional observations about comfort levels, pain indicators, and physical function that create a shared baseline of medical information.

For family conflict itself: If disagreements are creating significant relationship strain beyond the immediate decision about your pet, consider speaking with a family therapist or counselor.

If your disagreement involves children of various ages, we have a separate comprehensive article on talking to children about pet death that covers age-appropriate approaches and resources for helping kids process this difficult experience.

In general, involving children in quality of life discussions when age-appropriate and providing resources for pet grief can help them navigate what may be their first experience with loss.

Family disagreements about euthanasia are painful, but they’re also evidence of how much everyone loves your pet. Different perspectives don’t mean someone is wrong or uncaring—they often mean people are seeing different parts of the picture or processing grief at different speeds.

There’s rarely one “right” answer that everyone will immediately agree on. What matters is approaching the conversation with honesty about what each person is observing, willingness to understand different perspectives, and ultimately, keeping the focus on your pet’s wellbeing rather than on winning the argument.

Sometimes families reach complete agreement. Sometimes they reach an understanding where one person defers to the primary caregiver’s observations. Sometimes they agree to wait a bit longer for everyone to feel ready, understanding the risks that come with waiting.

However your family navigates this, what’s most important is that you’re communicating with compassion—for your pet, and for each other.